Jennifer Grace

As a kid I used to joke about my middle name because I am the clumsiest person around. I trip up stairs, constantly am getting toothpaste in my eye and hurt myself on almost every adventure I attempt. I broke almost every valuable that my parents let me touch as a kid and so I had accepted the fact that I would never be described as graceful. However, the past year has caused me to really reflect upon grace and upon my name.

I think that my name is Grace because God knew how desperately I would need to be reminded of it every day of my life.

I need to be reminded how much it has changed me, how I am not the girl that I was before. I need to be reminded to show it to others and that justice is beautiful, but there is strength in grace and forgiveness. And I need to be reminded that when one is given a lot of grace, they are expected to share that with others.

Grace has become a integral part of who I am. I have come to see that every breath, every motion, every laugh and sob, is grace in action. There is no aspect of my life that grace has not touched.

In Ephesians 2:8-9 Paul tells his readers “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast.” This past year has been one of the hardest of my life for a variety of reasons…but I am stronger and wiser after it. This is not because I learned how to handle life so well, but because I have learned how desperately I need the grace of my Father to guide me through every day. I could not be the woman that I am slowly but surely becoming if it was not for grace. My name reminds me daily of the wretch that I was, and could be again if it was not for God’s grace. When we come to grips with the fact that we are lost and alone without God we finally understand how desperately we need him.

My prayer for you reader is that you are able to see yourself through God’s eyes in 2014. This means seeing the dirt and the pain, but also the beauty and the grace. We all stray and fail, but we are loved by a perfect God nonetheless. He sees past our constant failure and chooses to redeem our weary troubled souls. I pray that you find rest, hope and joy in Christ throughout this year, but mainly I pray that you see how your life has been shaped by grace.

Thanks

When my parents split up when I was a kid they decided to make sure that we had strong holiday traditions with both sides of my family. This became Thanksgiving with my mom and Christmas with my dad. My Thanksgivings consisted of playing dress up in the crawl space under my grandma’s house, decorating countless turkeys with herbs, cranberries and orange slices only to tear it to shreds moments later, and writing and putting on plays for the women in the family while the men congregated to watch the Lions lose.

But now…this Thanksgiving was different…beautiful and new…but different. Because last Thanksgiving was a moment when bitter got blasted into my sweet life. Four days after our traditional perfect celebration we found out about my grandma’s cancer.

This stronghold of smiles and memories was suddenly shocked into a panicked confusion and things started to fly out of my hands. But as I have said in past posts, I have been blessed beyond compare this year…and so I want to take a moment thank you for what you’ve meant to me in this past year and difficult season.

Chances are if you’re reading this you have impacted my life in this year.  I cannot put into words how thankful I am for all the people that have invested in me and loved me back to health. My heart was so weary and burdened a year ago…but now it feels clean and new: scrubbed with the steel wool of adversity and washed in tears. I wish I could take the time to list everyone out by name, but it would take days.  So instead I just want to thank you. You know how you have helped me, or maybe you don’t. But I know that God has put ever person in my life there for a reason and without all of you I wouldn’t be who I am.

Thank you family.

Thank you friends.

Thank you strangers.

Thank you Father.

May we go into this new season with our heads held high in the assurance that we enter as conquerors and are stronger than we can imagine with Christ at our side.

Self Love

The second is this: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' There is no commandment greater than these." –Mark 12:31

“You can't just sit there and put everyone's lives ahead of yours and think that counts as love.” –Stephen Chbosky

Lately I’ve had some fantastic conversations with some friends of mine about self-love. This is a major movement among my age group, which is a beautiful thing, because for far too long, the young adults of America have been taught the opposite.

One of my friends was asking me about people pleasing, and how “If the bible says that we are treat others as we want to be treated then shouldn’t we treat them the best and do anything for them. Because that is what I want them to do for me…” While it is true that we need to treat others with respect, love and kindness, this does not necessarily mean that we need to throw out all thought of ourselves.

Mark tells us the golden rule, and that is good. We need to be told to think of others and how our actions will affect them and their lives. Our selfish natures long to be number one and think of how we can get what we want. But like all things in life, this is about moderation. If you look at that verse, Jesus does not say “Serve yourself and give what’s left to others” but he also doesn’t say “Throw yourself under the bus and forget about your value, just make sure that everyone else feels good.” Our culture tries to tell us that one of these is the truth.

The truth is that we are to love others as we love ourselves. We are to also love ourselves. God made each person beautiful and unique and full of a gift that no one else can offer in exactly the same way. What a shame it is that so many of us hide our quirks and talents for fear that we will be seen as odd. How heartbreaking is that so many people will gladly throw away their originality to become a carbon copy of the other people they know. It is a tragedy that there are people in our world who think that they have no worth and spend their whole lives trying to earn what is freely given to us.

I love the Chbosky quote at the top. It’s from the book “Perks of Being a Wallflower.” This quote reinforces the fact that losing you for the sake of other people is no honorable action. It is not a grand loving gesture, but in fact a great loss to the world.

Be you.

Be free.

Be able to love who you are and who others are.

See the value and beauty in everyone and work to help them see it through your actions.

A fantastic website that has a great perspective on this issue is:

wearelionhart.com

Check it out. Take it in. And know how passionately you are loved.

Changed to Bring Change

The other day I was in my church at home and heard a man telling the story of watching a girl being rescued from the sex trade. The men on the rescue team had been visiting her and two other girls for several nights in order to build relationships enough to take them from the brothel to a safe house. He told us about how when the prostitute saw the man that was safe she ran over and grabbed his arm…and not in the way that the other prostitutes were draping themselves on men in order to find love and money. This girl was different because she knew that this man loved her in a different way, he saw her value and didn’t intend to use her and then leave her.

People have asked me about why I want to work with abused people: prostitutes, battered women and trafficked people; and I have never really had an answer. However as I sat and listened to this story I realized the reason: I have a calling to work with this population because I relate to them.  

Ever since I was a child I have found myself fighting for attention. I want to be noticed and my greatest fear is being unwanted or forgotten. My life is so often a mess of my throwing myself at relationships and things that I feel will give me purpose. I attempt to find love and meaning in my business and in what other people see me as. Just like how a prostitute throws herself at men who will use her and leave her, I tend to try to find meaning in all the wrong places. I want to be loved and noticed so I get involved in things that give me meaning and satisfy my heart in the short term. But every time I get to the point where I see my net fall through and I land in a heap on the floor again, confused and hurt…eyes stinging with the tears of abandonment.

I need to learn that just like these girls that I want to save I need to be saved from my helpless heart. I need to learn to lean on him as opposed to all the promises of the world. Christ loves me for who and how I am.

He longs to have me run to him and cling to him, knowing that I am safe and secure in his arms and that he sees me as one full of beauty, grace and worth.

I am wanted for so much more than my abilities.

I am wanted for more than my commitment.

I am wanted for more than what I have to give.

I am wanted because I am alive.

I have been loved to bring love, I’ve been invited to share the invitation and I have been changed to bring change…and I refuse to quit until others have learned how deeply, truly and passionately they are loved.

Prayer to Praise

Today was a great day.

I mean the kind of great that leaves you with sore abs from laughter and a sore throat from singing and screaming at the top of your lungs. The kind of great that sometimes brings me to tears because I can’t believe God loves me enough to give me a day like this.

And then I think back to last winter. When I sat in my room in a pile on the floor sobbing at 2 am. Lost, abandoned and so confused. Happiness was never natural; each day was a decision to smile. Joy was purely by choice. I remember begging God to just explain why he was doing this. I didn’t understand how he could sit and watch my pain and let it all happen.

But as I write this I can imagine him watching me, crying with me and whispering, “Daughter, I love you. It will get better. It will be great again.” But the sounds of my fear drowned that out. Now I look back and I am overwhelmed with his grace. This morning I woke up smiling. I was in love with today before my eyes even saw it. I am filled with passion for art, service, love and justice. I feel like God is making me into a person that I am finally proud of.

I think back to me eight months ago.

And I want to hug her.

I want to remind her of Truth.

I want to tell her that this fire is making her stronger than ever.

Brave. Confident in God. Filled with real faith.

I wish that I could tell her that this suffering is temporary, but God’s love and God’s plan are eternal. That he refuses to give up or let go. That she is favored and has brighter days coming.

Not all days will be great from here on out. Some days will knock me back into that tear pile on the floor. But God is there.

Please know that the struggle is not the end…it is the beginning.

Every single moment, every single breath, ragged from running in fear or dancing with joy…is grace.